Susan Page on Why Talking Is Not Enough

For more than four decades, Susan Page has worked with singles and couples on the practical work of loving well. In Why Talking Is Not Enough: Eight Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage, she challenges the idea that communication is the only cure for a struggling relationship. We spoke with her about restraint, “acting as if,” and the single question she hopes every couple asks each day.

Where the idea began

DORX Chronicle: Your book is titled Why Talking Is Not Enough. What inspired you to write it, and what did you notice about relationships that made you feel a different approach was needed?

Susan Page: It was obvious to me that using “communication” to solve problems was failing many couples. After they talk about a problem, they feel worse. Communication skills and listening don’t come naturally; they are high-level skills that most people don’t have. Often, one partner is more skilled than the other, so they are starting out on an uneven playing field. Plus, what talking is usually about is, “You need to change.”

Yet most people think there is no other alternative besides talk.

I had an incident in my own marriage that woke me up to the idea that I could make a change in myself and the problem would disappear. It worked. That led me to other strategies. I began conducting couples’ groups in which only one partner could attend. As we experimented with these slight changes in our own behaviors, miracles began to happen.

Actions over words

DORX Chronicle: You introduce the idea that loving actions can sometimes communicate more powerfully than words. What does this look like in an everyday marriage?

Susan Page: One of the first experiments we do in my groups is to make a pact with yourself that you will not say anything negative, critical, or demanding to your partner for one entire week. Plus, at least once a day, do a favor for your partner. It can even be something quiet and not noticeable.

After a week of this practice, people first reported that they had no idea how often they said negative, critical, or demanding remarks. Second, they reported that the whole atmosphere in the home was more pleasant, that they started feeling more loving, and even that their spouse seemed more attentive and sometimes even affectionate.

Some of the other loving actions can be even more powerful.

The actions couples overlook

DORX Chronicle: The book presents eight loving actions that can transform a marriage. Which do couples most often overlook, and why?

Susan Page: Some of these actions are brand new ideas. Couples have not tried them because they never thought of them. For example, I offer the option of “acting as if” you feel warm and loving, even when you don’t. When your partner annoys you again with the same awful habit, even though you feel angry, you can behave in a loving way. This can be a challenge and require practice, but the results will be transformative.

Say he comes home late again without calling. For the last ten years, you get angry every time this happens and you harp on him — how easy it would be to call, how he’s not thinking of you at all. So the same thing happens again: a frosty evening.

An alternate plan, as an experiment, is to try something different. Act as if you are happy to see him, that you are glad he’s finally home. Give him a kiss, slip him a glass of wine, ask about his day. You may find that your own mood will change also, your anger will dissipate, and he will love you for tacitly forgiving him.

The other one couples overlook is to use restraint. When you want to make a critical remark, just don’t. Stay silent. Your little jab will only bring the atmosphere in the house down, and it will not do any good.

“If you reframe it as a fact of life, your approach to it is entirely different. You don’t solve the problem; you outgrow it.”

Why fixing can push us apart

DORX Chronicle: One of your ideas encourages partners to move away from constantly trying to “fix” problems. Why can problem-solving create more distance between two people?

Susan Page: Solving problems creates distance because it highlights your differences. You are focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship and forgetting the wonderful sides. Also, some problems have no solution, so you both become frustrated.

The secret is to reframe the “problem.” If you think of it as a problem, you suppose it has a solution. If you reframe it as a fact of life, your approach to it is entirely different: How can we learn to live with this? How can we adapt? As you become more accepting, you are developing a new level of consciousness so that you don’t “solve” the problem; you outgrow it.

Loving someone, and loving them well

DORX Chronicle: You have spent many years working with couples and individuals. What has that taught you about the difference between loving someone and knowing how to love them well?

Susan Page: To love well, you need to be an advocate for your partner. Your partner’s happiness and success need to be your goal. You need to be on your partner’s side. You need to accept the whole person you are with, even the aspects of the person you like less, and have compassion for those parts. How did he or she get to be this way? The person will become the person you love fully when you create an atmosphere of love and support, not when you create an atmosphere of criticism.

Most of the people who come to my groups say, “I love him,” or “I love her, but…” — fill in the blank. If there is a but, the person is probably not loving well. That is different from saying, “We have learned how to adapt and to love all of each other.”

Responsibility without blame

DORX Chronicle: Your approach asks us to take responsibility for our own behavior rather than waiting for our partner to change. How can someone make that shift without feeling they are accepting all the blame?

Susan Page: Ahh, good question. The key is this: you are making these slight changes in behavior not for the quality of the relationship, but for yourself. Changes in the relationship will come as a by-product. Suddenly, you are taking care of yourself. You are in control — not of the relationship, but of yourself. You are no longer trying to get your partner to change or to solve a problem.

These changes in behavior have nothing to do with blame or who caused the problem. By using the loving actions, you are not accepting blame. Instead, you are accepting responsibility for making your relationship even more wonderful.

One small action to start today

DORX Chronicle: Marriage goes through periods when affection, patience, or connection feels difficult. What is one small loving action a couple can begin practicing immediately?

Susan Page: When you are feeling distant, the first thing I suggest is touch. Give your partner a hug. Say something like, “I’m feeling kind of separate and I want to feel close again. I’m sure we will get through this time.” But any of the loving actions can work to bring you closer together.

One of the principles of the loving actions is that you do them even when you don’t feel like doing them. A slight change in behavior can have an impact on your own feelings and, you hope, on the feelings of your partner. The loving actions are always done as experiments. You go into an experiment not because you know there will be a certain outcome, but because you want to find out what will happen if you try something new.

What readers should take away

DORX Chronicle: What do you hope readers understand differently about marriage after reading Why Talking Is Not Enough?

Susan Page: First, that talk is not the only tool available to you to express love, to work through issues, or to feel closer. It is slight changes in behavior that lead to changes in feelings. Also, it is vital to try something new and different. Don’t keep doing the same thing you have been doing for years and expect different results.

A moment that stayed with her

DORX Chronicle: Was there a particular experience in your work that influenced the message of this book?

Susan Page: There have been many, and I talk about many of them in the book. One that was memorable was a woman who was angry with her husband because he had bought something without consulting her. She was furious, but they were about to go to an event. She got in the car and decided not to mention it, and to act as if she was happy about going. She made a pleasant remark and acted normal, though she was still angry inside. As they began a conversation about the event, her anger began to abate.

She felt her own mood change. She never brought up the incident again. She let it go. She realized she had averted an angry argument, and that she could put the incident behind her and go on.

One thought to carry every day

DORX Chronicle: If you could leave couples with one thought from the book — something to carry into their relationship every day �� what would it be?

Susan Page: Is what I am doing or saying right now bringing us closer together or farther apart?